Celebrity Roundup

Basterson: Evenin' folks. I'm Marshall Matt Basterson and welcome to a brand new season of Celebrity Roundup! Out there in that plain we got some celebrity outlaws on the loose. And Dwight here is gonna tell us about one of them before he rides on after him. Dwight: His name's Clay Concrete. Basterson: Well now, that's the star who stole the show - by plagiarizing its content from the internet. Dwight: Shucks, I don't care about that. He stole a hundred dollars from my daddy and I'm a-gonna git 'm fer it. Basterson: Go git em Dwight! (Dwight mounts his horse and heads off towards the plain. He easily spots Concrete and pursues him, overtaking and lassoing him. Then he dismounts and hogties the fallen star. He drapes Concrete over the back of his horse, remounts, and rides victoriously back to his starting point. The host captures his finish time on a stopwatch and the fans cheer.) Good job Dwight! Your time will be hard to beat! (Addressing next mounted guest) Up next is Brandy Birch. Brandy, I hear you got a little dispute with a popular singer. Birch: That's right, Matt. That little hayseed, Windy Huff! Basterson: Isn't that the singer who recruited minors to smuggle drugs? Birch: I don't know, but she stole away my man and I'm-a gonna git her fer it. Basterson: Go git em Brandy! Matter o' fact we hear she cheated and took cover in the bushes so we're letting you take this hunting dog along to help sniff her out. Birch: Much obliged. (She rides off to the plain with the dog barking enthusiastically alongside. They approach the edge of the open terrain and the dog disappears into the bush. Canine growls and a woman's shrieks follow. The dog reappears with his mouth around Huff's wrist, leading her into captivity.) Commercial: 'The Heel Saddle' Sock Patch (A laundromat. A young man's socks come under the scrutiny of his fiancee.) Woman: The heels are worn out of all your socks! Haven't you heard of the Heel Saddle? Voice: The Heel Saddle sock patch fits snugly around the heel of any stocking. And the glue that holds it in place is as strong as aluminum. (The laundromat a month later.) Woman: (to man) Now your socks all have holes in their toes! Haven't you heard of the Toe Mitten? Voice: Get the most out of your socks with the Heel Saddle sock patch. (Back at the ranch, the celebrities are slung over the backs of horses with their posteriors pointed out and their hands tied behind their backs. Basterson, Birch, and Dwight, stand at a fire, heating their metal branding rods.) Basterson: We all ready for the branding? Dwight, what sign are you using for your star? Dwight: I'm a-brandin' him with a big capital 'H' for hundred, as in hundred dollars! Basterson: Well you just go on and brand that hide! Dwight: I most assuredly will. (Dwight brands Concrete's backside as the latter howls in pain.) Basterson: And Brandi, what are you gonna brand your star with? Birch: I was thinkin' I'd use this 'H' fer whore. Basterson: Fine, fine. Birch: 'Ceptin' I'd like to brand her face with it, you know, as a warnin' to all men. Basterson: Judges, can we allow that? (Pause) The judges say it's the first time anyone's branded a face but there's no rules agin' it. So you just get on over there and brand that face! Birch: Yee-haw! (Birch bypasses Huff's backside and applies the red hot branding iron to Huff's face. Sizzling is accompanied by a dreadful scream.) Shut up! I didn't ask for a song, you bitch!
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.