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(Two female miners, covered in dirt, labour with shovels on the edge of a shaft in a coal mine when a woman passes by with a clean face and an immaculate dress.) Miner #1: Look at you! How do you stay so fresh and clean looking down here? Woman: With my Vanity Mirrors. Miner #2: Mirrors? I don't see any mirrors. Woman: The Vanity Mirrors fit onto your eyes like contact lenses. They let you see out at the same time as you see yourself. Whenever you see a spot, you can take care of it right away before anyone else notices. Miner #1: That sounds handy! I'll have to get a pair. Miner #2: Me too! Woman: Why? I don't see anything wrong with your appearances. (She takes a few steps and falls down the shaft.) |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. | ||
Thursday, August 8, 2013
The Vanity Mirrors
Dear Minister of Health
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I would like to submit a suggestion that may save the health budget money. I've been a 'person with a disability' for the last four years and have gained some insights. I suffer from depression and find that the medications are ineffective against it. I know that these drugs are expensive. A typical sign of depression is a messy room because the occupant is too depressed to get out of bed and clean up. This unattractive environment only makes his condition worse. That's why I think you should stop spending money on pills and invest in servants. I bet that for the cost of one of those pills you could hire one domestic helper for each and every depressed person in the country. Don't tell me we don't have the money. This country's loaded. Have you seen that gold mine in Timmins? The whole wall is gold. They just have to hack it off with a pick-ax and send it straight to the bank. And the U.S. gets seventy percent of its oil from Alberta. And British Columbia has natural gas and hydro. You could probably afford to give us our servants and still spend money on drugs. Haven't you heard Neil Young singing about how a man needs a maid? Why do you think that song is so depressing? If you don't trust me, you should at least trust him. I hope I've given you something to think about. And I hope you are in good health. |
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| © 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Elementary Polish
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Hello again, and welcome to Elementary Polish. I'm Wladek Fukyewski. [Pronounced Fook-yev-ski] Now in Poland everyone loves one another and everyone hates people from Warsaw. Polish people are traditionally conservative, and Warsaw is too liberal. Whenever a Polish person finds out that he is talking to a person from Warsaw, they tell them this: Eej booja yebna tojeh zeshrash! This means: 'Get out of here or I'll kick the shit out of you!' That's all the time for Elementary Polish today. Gene Dobrey! |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
You're a Mistake
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Hi Roger. I hear you're a rock star now. Do you think that because I bashed you on your birthday in retaliation for you ruining my birthday last year you're allowed to commit fraud with my music? Do you know what happened to that band, Roger? They went to prison. They went to prison for doing exactly what you just tried to do with my new song. And because you're a Dateline star, a lot of people fell for you and believed it was yours. Or maybe they thought I was you! How nice! Was it even your voice on the recording? Roger, if you haven't been to jail yet like all these stars on TV, it isn't because you're greater than they are. It's because I care about your fourteen-year-old. And is it true that you also have a daughter? I didn't know that because we haven't been in touch in the last thirty years or so before you went on TV with all those others who haven't associated with me in decades to tell the world about a person who no longer exists in the present. I think it's time you started minding your own business and paying attention to your children instead of interfering with me on the internet because you'll be incarcerated if you try to steal my work again. I only knew about your son because I met him when he was five. That was when I went home to write my poetry in 2004. Does everyone in Renfrew remember when I went home to write my poems in 2004? Does MuchMusic remember how I sent them poems from my parents' computer in 2004? Do you all remember how you took Roger's side against me for being such a burden on my poor parents? But Roger noticed that the younger girls in our family were not so quick to hate me when they read my poems. He noticed that girls liked my poems. Maybe that's why he let everyone think he wrote them when I removed them from the internet. I wonder how his wife feels about that. Roger, have you ever given any thought to what my life has been like for the last thirty years, while you've been going to your comfortable job and socializing with your large clique and telling everyone what a failure I am because I'm not an ordinary asshole with no imagination like you? Parties and women and cars and houses for you. Soup lines and suicides and bicycles that get stolen when I'm hated and homeless shelters for me. Well, Roger, that misery is where my song came from. And as someone who considers it beneath him to stand in a soup line, you have some nerve trying to take the credit for it. I had no idea you were such a cutthroat. I bet some of your 'friends' know about it, though, and I bet they laugh about it behind your back. Roger, as you know I am the seventh born of our parents. Dad wanted to call it quits after six and gave mom the pill. But mom didn't want to take the pill. So I was an accident. But if you had never been born, maybe I would have had the family support I needed - at least when I showed up in Ottawa in 2007. From your Telus computer, I'm sure you knew that my songs were popular. And after telling the world what a failure I was for twenty-five years, your ego was more important to you than the millions of dollars I might have made for our family in the last six years without your interference. So I might have been an accident, but you are most certainly a mistake. And as long as you're going to hold my pot smoking against me, don't forget to hate the Rolling Stones because I read that Keith was on heroin and had to tranfuse every drop of blood in his body like a vampire, in order to cross the border into other countries. And I read that Mick had to have the partition separating his nostrils surgically restored in the 1970's because of extensive erosion from snorting too much cocaine. And didn't their bass player have a thirteen-year-old girlfriend? You wouldn't have let me get away with that either, I'm sure - not that I'm even interested in having sex with minors. You're such a stupid hypocrite. And did you know the Rolling Stones took one of my songs? It was the song I wrote both times I stayed at the Salvation Army Men's Shelter in 'disgrace' when I went back to visit Ottawa, where you live, in 2007 and last February. And don't panic because those media buddies of yours are gone from TV. It's probably more because they failed to destroy me than because of their crime. |
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| © 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Forced Labour
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I'm hearing an awful lot of talk about everything but my songs and laughs. As long as I'm not being paid for all this hard work, I don't think it's fair for others to discuss my appearance or charisma or anything irrelevant to my work. It's impolite. People get excited when they hear that someone is going to be playing stadiums. And a man can be an ordinary Joe one day and wake up the next day to a stadium gig. But until people know for sure that he will be playing stadiums and making a pile of money and partying with celebrities, they seem to go out of their way to paint an unflattering portrait of him. I don't expect girls to scream for me now. But I would expect them to get at least as excited over me as they did over that band if, say, I sued NBC for a billion dollars and started my own music label. I didn't want to be a star, remember? I tried to walk away from it. But I was forced to return to my music to save my reputation as an artist when everyone in the world hated me and thought I had no talent. Now I'm stuck with all these songs and blogs and I can't erase them. I never wanted to be a star, but perhaps it is my inescapable destiny. |
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| © 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Dead Reckoning
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(A labour camp in the Gulag Archipelago. Two ragged prisoners stand in the snow with their wheelbarrows.) Georgy: What's wrong? Why are you so sad? Shmirnoff: I just heard that Stalin is dead! Georgy: He is? That's terrible! (They burst into tears.) Shmirnoff: (Sobbing) He could have had me shot for looking at him the wrong way but he let me come here to work instead! Georgy: (Sobbing) He let me keep my second youngest son! What will we do without him? Shmirnoff: (Sobbing) And to think I only saw him last month! He seemed so alive! He was angry and complaining about how there were too many people in the world! Georgy? (Georgy has dropped dead. Shmirnoff shrugs and complacently loads the body into his wheelbarrow.) |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Bet on Dave
| Are you a betting man? Bet on Dave. The odds are always stacked against him and he always wins. Look at his opposition: huge stars like Mick Jagger! The odds must have twenty to one on that bet. And Dave prevailed! And I know that not a single soul in town thought that I wrote Jon Stewart's show or the Simpsons or any of those shows that ripped me off. A betting man would have cleaned up by betting on Dave since 2010. | ||||||||||
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| © 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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